you mean so much to me

pardon my act cute face.

didn't step out of unilodge today. packed my stuff now its quite empty alrd. :( i'm gonna miss 3043. haven't bathe as usual haha. i made a scrapbook for cass for her super belated birthday.

i'm eating smith's as u can see cus i'm so hungry and too lazy to go out. been raining the whole week. btw, two days ago we had movie marathon. i watched due date, fair game and saw 7. due date was drop dead hilarious. fair game sucked and saw was so grotesque.

you yi ge ren went back today wo hen sad :(

absent-mindedly making me want you

this uneasy feeling is getting too much. i cannot take this. sometimes i tell myself, candies there's no more time to pretend, no more time to waste. but i can't seem to make use of the time i have left. (no i'm not suffering from serious illness and am dying. no) but its just sad to watch the time ticking in vain. at least for me. maybe i just have no guts, or i'm just not prepared for the worse. i keep having mixed feelings and what-ifs.

no one will really understand this. maybe sha and cass will. thank you girls for listening to me, and debating for me, and arguing base on pointless facts, and comforting me, bearing with me, and having fun with me. yeah its precious. i just wish i had enough strength to spare for all the separation and goodbyes.

even though i'm always told since the beginning, to cherish the moments, make the best out of them and everything that follows, i can't do that. how to, knowing that those moments won't be moments anymore, but memories. or that time is running out. or that the fear of knowing its all gonna end soon, and that everything will be nothing but remains of memory. or is it the fact that memories can fade and soon i'll no longer be able to recall those moments? which one? or is it them all?

okay change.

i already said before, i wanna leave without any resentment towards anyone. so if you would stop being like that, it would help me get rid of that feeling a lot easier. if you really really really despise me or to some extent, hate me, please tell me why. I don't like being hated without knowing why. Don't give me that (tbh) fucking annoying attitude without having the guts to tell me why. maybe i won't understand or maybe the problem lies in you. but at least i know you're not some insane bizarre human that hates people out of nothing. there's a reason why i don't come to you and ask you why. people make mistakes, you know. i used to love you and care for you a lot and if you wanna think i'm faking it so be it. its your own thought anyway. but i've grown out of that. i quit the drama. and i'm happy now even without you. after all the incidents that happened to me, i learned and grew up. but i guess you didn't.

cause i sense sparks fly

i have less than one week in sydney. maybe my last week here ever. there are things i have been thinking about. one thing i know, i wanna leave this place without any regrets. no resentment, no unpleasant feelings, basically nothing left unsaid. but you know that saying things you have been keeping is kinda hard and...risky, i think? sigh, maybe this is one reason why i'm having insomnia.

sometimes i feel like i'm ready, but there are times when i think i need more time. noone's gonna fully understand what i'm trying to say here. anw, been listening to taylor swift and i think she's right about some things written in her songs. and it really spoke to me. she's really good. just saying. i yawned. i think that's a good sign.

just thought you should know,

all these time, i have been very sincere to you. i put my very best into our relationship and i hope you appreciate it. no matter what, you already have a place in my heart and you'll be another irreplaceable individual. we might not meet anymore so i just want you to know that, i never regret getting to know you, or simply having you in my life.. i hope you feel the same way (:

i'm so tired.

we can share a love divine, please don't make me wait again

those are pictures from yesterday's zoo trip and trip to cockatoo island a few days' back.

chuaweiyao went back yesterday. calista just took off an hour ago. idk how i can continue watching people leave one by one, not knowing if we still can meet tomorrow. It sucks, you know. Especially when I got really emotional every time i passed by school or foundation building. I don't even want to reminisce. Sigh, i have nothing to say actually. Its all more than words, and my buckets of tears speak enough i guess. I am really excited about meeting my friends in singapore, but i also don't want to leave those in sydney. Foundation was afterall, superb. I've found people that i can equally trust and love. Like it or not, i'm bad with goodbyes. I really hate this you know. But not like i can do anything. time's ticking and i'm just gonna grasp those moments before they slip away.

I'm.gonna.miss.all.of.you.so.much.

and.you,take.care.

i heart question mark

Just a day at home. supposed to go out with chua and michelle but chua is sick so yeah. finally got my internet topped up :)

cockatoo yesterday was lots of fun though there were nothing there. we took pictures and i was being completely retarded according to albert. (i have no idea why. he should have gotten used to it by now) we took ferry next to luna park and it's supposed to be a theme park but we barely stayed for an hour and then we wandered around darling harbour aimlessly. its kind of weird since its the first time we went out and had no idea where to go. so they decided to play bowling, where i fell asleep so soundly on the smelly sofa. yes you get how tired i was. then we went to eat hurricane! love the ribs and then some of them were half dead so they went back whereas some stayed. some watched hp7 and some social network. i was with the hp7 ppl and i slept throughout and if you haven't watched, please don't. i swear people. its so goddamn boring the whole time i just sleep and woke up in time for the last scene HAHAHA. okay waste my 18.50 :(

pictures are with sharon she's gonna upload it. when i got it from her i'm gonna put some here

adios i love taylor swift

you wish it was me, don't you?

Quadrangle Lawn
jonathan
michelle and eileen
albert

dearest
hilda and sharon
albert
sharon and calista
sharon

pictures from grad ceremony and bondi trip (:

homg can you believe it, i'm so fat.

and btw i love allen's itunes library :D ok enjoy bye. cockatoo tmr YAY

for you

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

this song pretty much describes what i feel

wolala wee

Finally a day without walking long distances. Today i stay at homeeeeeeee! (to rest my poor legs)

The following incidents after exam was just, superb! I don't know how to describe how relieved i am after they dismissed us. although when i dread the results part. anywhoooo, we went straight to bondi to get our stuff for graduation party and i was already so so tired from that. i didn't get much sleep that night, since i had to wake up early for the grad ceremony.

ok it was quite boring and we just took pictures and smile. then got ready for the party and i was expecting a cruise, but it looked more like the batam ship that transport people from batam to sg. ok but the night got better after dinner. the dance floor was crazy and i had hell lots of fun, with a few embarrassing incidents such as my heels fell off as i walked up the stairs so yeah u know me hahaha. at the end of the night, my legs couldn't feel itself anymore, so i walked barefooted from darling harbour all the way to the bus stop. go back and die straight away.

the next day which is yesterday, we met again to get irene's present. a very very cute monkey bear from build-a bear. then we had dimsum at kamfuk then we went to bondi and play. i tried running on sands and sorry cannot take it. another tiring day. celebrated irene's super belated birthday and we went back.

and i shall keep my thoughts otw back to myself.

if you believe that no one believes in you, one day no one will believe in you because you don't believe that they believe in you. stop trying to screw your life because there are still those who cares. although the most important one doesn't anymore. maybe those you thought whose care weren't enough, care enough.

its so sad to see your so torn apart like this. i'm your friend. i'm here to listen to you but there's no point when you don't let me in. after all, i'm only your friend. i can't force you, you know. there's only so much i can do. but i feel upset every time you say no one cares. because i care, others care. sometimes you don't always have to just look at the big parts. those small parts that you think are insignificant, actually can significantly change you.

start believing in yourself if you want people to.

if you ever gets here, you know i care and i know you're not okay.

when it was hard to take

Yesterday was the end of exam. Today, will mark the end of foundation year. Which simply means...the end. I have been having mixed feelings, you know. Like how i'm half happy and also sad. When I was sitting for my chem paper, the feeling suddenly kicked in. The thought of how time flies so fast, how day by day, nothing seems to change but when we look back, everything's different. I'm that kind of person who always prefer to stay in my comfort zone. Sometimes I think, those people that i used to go to school with, when we graduate, will i ever see them again? Some people i say hi or talk to, a few years down the road, will we even recognize each other? Well these are all my thoughts and, they are just my thoughts. But what i'm truly afraid of, is saying goodbye. As in, goodbye once and for all. its hard for me to describe, especially when the whole time i'm composing this, i'm thinking of a specific someone. it actually sucks having to be okay about everything. it sucks knowing that you can't runaway from what you don't want to face. But i'm slightly enlighten when i know, i'm not going through this alone. i'm glad that there are people who know exactly how i feel.

as of now, i haven't got anything figured out. but one thing i know for sure, i'm scared.

yours truly

eat pray love

chem paper in an hour's time.

you want the truth? i'm not confident. i'm scared esp when the past few papers haven't been good :( and i think there's a high chance i won't be able to walk out the exam hall happy. sigh.

i need to do well, you know..

i wonder what my life would be like without people like you.

sigh

Yo I spent the whole day studying bio and I'm really tired. Idk, I did my best studying it and I'll leave the rest to God :) I trust You and I know with You, everything will be fine. I am so tired of bio and bio. Its like I do one chapter and when I move on to the other, I forget the previous chapter. Its like I will never be able to master it. Sorreh I complain a lot here but where else right. Can't wait to meet people I have missed thus the end of exam is very much welcomed.

Ps: trying hard not to punch your face

just talk

I can't sleep.

webcammed with dione for almost 4 hours and it was so fun! been long since we last talked for ages and she made me LOL after so long. luckily the only thing that changed her is stock market, which i honestly don't mind. other than that, she's still the dione i lurveeee :D

the reason why i'm still up at 5am is prolly because i slept through the evening and just woke up at 9pm. cool. i gotta rise early tomorrow. i wanna go library with michelle.

and i lost my urinary system lecture notes so idk how i'm gonna study for it but yeah for now i'm still @ mutation.

let's do some serious talking. or typing.

come to think about it, i can consider myself as a lucky chain. i have friends that some people can only dream of, and a family i couldn't ask for more. i have people who i can completely count on, people i know wouldn't turn their back on me. i know i'm not someone who can stand on my own feet, so i need my pillars of strength. and i'm truly amazed how our friendships proved the saying 'distance tears us apart' wrong. it might not be the same at all. but i realise, how tight a friendship is, isn't measured by how often we talk, how much we know about the other person's life, or even who they crush on now. its about knowing that, we are there for each other and that on top of all the deadlines, the exams, the homeworks and stress, we still think of each other, we still care.

i'm just thankful that whenever i run into problems or i screw myself up, there are still people who believed in me, people who don't give up on me. and people who actually know who i am. i need to thank God for Noviana, although she has a levels going on right now, i still can go for her when i need advice, and she still can make me feel better. and my beavers, of course, who are irreplaceable, bunch of crazy yet understanding rare species that i'm lucky enough to find. and agnes sutrisno, who even though is thousand miles and continents apart from me, still talks to me like we just had sleepover, and stef who is also miles apart, but thankfully is still as crappy.

well and of course, how can i leave out people here in sydney. all of you mean a lot to me, and thank you for walking in to my life.

and for those who come to upset me, well, i have to thank you too. because if you didn't do that to me, i wouldn't be able to stand strong and face misery as brave as i am now. i wouldn't know how to appreciate those who stayed if you didn't snatch away people who were important to me.

and above all, life goes on. (:

what makes my night

dione says (11:18 PM):

ehh i havet download the skype for my windows needanot

Candies says (11:19 PM):

do u install skype to ur com alrd?

dione says (11:19 PM):

no i just got acct only

Candies says (11:20 PM):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAh

cannot lah babe

dione seah is so cute.

or am i that easily amused....

cause in my eyes you were mine

today is such an unproductive day.

and other than that i have nothing else to say.

guilt is overwhelming me. how can i waste a DAY without touching my notes and getting some information into my brain. brain brain brain. i wish you were a little bit faster in capturing information. or at least you're a bit better in focusing, not thinking of something else every time i(your owner) try to store information.

so yea i think i'm champion in crapping. i'm not going to screw bio paper up i promise myself with everything that's promisable, i am going to mug. and mugging shall commence in 5 minutes' time.

so you, stop distracting me :)

doop wots

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Bob Marley

I've found mine. Have you?

i got a heart attack

this is how i spent my saturday:

woke up and went for swimming. then went back and ate lunch. studied bio (which caused rapid aging) and then got a sudden call from calista about something so tempting, so off we went with sharon also to kelly's. now i'm full i can't even breathe.

waited for almost an hour for 400 and it didn't came so we cabbed. :( expensive.

here i am, trying to study bio, picked up from where i left, but i think its gonna fail.

so how's your day? i miss you.

chicky day

1. none of my goals was achieved today. (i mean thursday)

2. that's just so so sad right.

3. still not using my time well.

4. spend my day with calista (mostly)

5. i love shopping with her

6. yes i know its exam period but we need stress release :P

7. went to maroubra to return her books then we decided to head eastgardens

8. oh before that we had lunch @ ayam goreng 99 and then we went L5, i was in LSU while she took her comp prac.

9. err then shop shop (happy of course)

10. went for ayam goreng 99 again haha for dinner (+3)

11. walked back to unilodge, in time to sign in

12. then (:

that sums up my day i guess. exam's gonna be over in a week (Y)

so looking forward to it.

till then

ps: sohowlongdowehavelefttogether

apple pie

its thursday so means 5 more days to bio, then english and compstud then chemistry, then grad night then byebye.

its finally coming to an end. another closing chapter. still having mixed feelings. try falling for uncertainty. and someone confusing. bleh bleh bleh what am i talking about

anw, i have 4 more papers and from the look of it i think i'm not using my time well. so..i should. candies, no more slacking from thrusday 11.11.2010 onwards. so tomorrow's to do list?

1. finish up organic chem (be a master)

2. try searching for computing studies book (must be somewhere hidden and secret)

3. do chem sample paper A (yess still at A)

4. don't forget to eat

5. smile when you encounter difficulties

6. don't be sad, be awesome instead (thanks for the inspiration, barney)

7. i think that's all?

8. will 1-6 be too much? i think i'm overestimating myself hmmm

9. its 1.07 here (now) so i should probably hit the bed.

10. and btw, cocktail brought his friends over for parties and there are at least 30 of them in my room AND the apartment. so i serve them: 1/2 cup of BOILING HOT water, 1/4 cup of vinegar, 2 teaspoon of sugar (their fav), and 2 drops of dishwashing soap. they're all around the dishes now. i'm such a generous host.

11. if you're here reading 11, you're just awesome. you must be so bored.

12. kthanksbye

taste of candies

Well hi!

i just made a new friend. he (i assume its a he) is very cute, tiny and light. he has been accompanying me ALL night. how faithful, right? since he doesn't know what's his name is, i named him cocktail. he's been up all night leaving really significant marks around my body and how i LOVEEE that. he's aggressive and not to mention, fast! he moves around my body leaving patches pretty fast, and even as i'm typing. oh cocktail, won't you just stop. i'm getting shy.

WELLA WELLA. there it goes, found a NBF aka new best friend.

ps: cocktail is a small thing that flies around aka MOSQUITO.

no way to take it all back

why did we become like this.

i really really really miss talking to you. even after everything you've put me through. sometimes your name appear and i thought, hey he used to mean so much to me. and that's all. all along i've managed to put up with all that thoughts and twinge of pain. but then i realise, its because i keep having to reassure myself, that i actually haven't put you behind me at all. why. why does it have to be so hard. 3 years. 3 years i live life trapped in this feeling. wanting so much to break free, trying so desperately to distract myself from that, from you. but it all comes back. as simple as reading your facebook updates. someone, please just tell me what to do. it still hurts. from everything. not only from the betrayal, from the losing, but also from the knowing that you didn't get snatched away. because you were never here. because you have every right to turn away, to go. i know you'll never read this and you'll never know how i'm doing now. i just wish the thought of you would stop coming back.

what do i see in you. idk. what do you see in her? i'm not in place to judge because no one is ever able to explain how feeling comes about. i want to be honest, but not hypocritical. and you're right. i don't understand. i guess i will never understand. but there's part of the story that you don't understand too. we haven't been talking, if you still count the days, you'd know how long. i do that without any difficulties now. its almost as if, i'm obliged to not talk to you. but just so you know, there isn't any day since you left where i haven't fought the urge to put you back into my life. but knowing that i don't mean that much to you is already enough to fight back. i'm really sorry i broke my promise. i told you we'll never lose contact. but now i'm learning to treat you like a stranger. sorry.

i wish you really well and happy with her

So, one paper down. 5 more to go.

math was tough. :(

if i can be a superman

Intense math revision today. Nothing but math today. I feel drenched. enough said, night night.

ps: good luck everyone for maths S paper tmr!

face mask

I hereby declare that, yes i give up.

I shall do well in my other papers. but not maths. :(

my bbm isn't working. i'm so sad. sorry for not replying your bbm if you happen to bbm me cus i really receive nothing, like i can't even open it. and my phone has zero memory left so i can't receive msgs too hahaha best. so just call me if you wanna crap or say 'i miss you' hehe.

see you around

way to heaven

miss these people. they're the best, no? less than one month away <3>

mandy, we used to be so close and tight, now what happen! I really miss you.

stef, i hope you found your black skirt and thanks for being you and being there.

bren, its been ages since i last talked to you. hope you're doing fine.

aby, i'm so glad we're friends now. you're one of a kind!

dione, i really miss you too. we both have bbm but we rarely talk :( let's catch up some time!

mel, how are you doing? i really miss talking to you on the phone until we fell asleep...

quek, where are you! you didn't reply my whatsapp darling.

chloe, i haven't talked to you in ages too. i miss you a lot.

and many many many more people i miss so much. this feeling really gets to me now. i need to study. really man. i don't want to screw it up.

oh and btw ytd i dreamt i did bungee jumping, but its from a big big ship which looked really like titanic. i really jumped down and even in my dream i felt so shiok. i wanna do bungee jumping sometime! ok cut the crap back to maths byebye

monster man and integration

i.just.woke.up

i/am/eating/soft/boiled/eggs

i dont feel like studying

what's wrong with us.

binomial sucks

momma sent me pictures of my bros and dad in my parents room. gave me the instant feel of warmth. can't wait to get back home. miss my bros so much. and don grew a lot fatter. seems like my parents brought up 2 pigs and 1 son and not 1 daughter and 2 sons. kewl.

i'm so full now. good. and no mood to study. tell u a secret. what motivates me to study is actually because the currency rate is so high now i feel like fainting every time i check and it rose.

btw binomial sucks. i'm not gonna sleep until i'm the master of binomial tonight. i think i'll end up sleeping haha. the idea of studying never really excites me eh. and the idea of mugging in my room never go according to plan.

the-supposedly-plan for today (saturday)

-early rise and shine and go for breakfast (with cass provided she's awake)

-bathe

-go law library and study until 9pm

-go home do some revision

-sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite

what actually happened:

-woke up late and only after michelle called and cass's voice

-didn't bathe (oops)

-went to library and it was full

-study for a bit then went to macs for lunch

-ended up eating a lot a lot (homg so sad)

-completed my sample exam papers

-felt sleepy decided to walk home to sleep @ 4

-didn't sleep @ all ended up talking to cass

-went back at ard 8 to do one qnt of maths then go back

-went for dinner

-talked to cass again

-now in my room with books open but blank.

(time check: eleven fifty two pm)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

where's the 'i'm gonna study hard today' drive?

:\

standing tall

i wrote a note to myself saying how i shouldn't give up and study hard. to be honest (so michelle), i'm not someone who faces farewell and the end of something pretty well. like when we graduated from beatty, i thought it was such a big change. beatty was seriously the best place filled with the best people. but for now, i'm secretly glad its over. after this major exam which i really hope i can ace in, i hope for things to turn around.

this place terrifies me, and it has been such a rollercoaster ride. everything that happened in and out of sydney changed me as a whole being. i no longer care so much, i no longer feel so much, or think too much. i figure out, there no point wasting my time trying to get back things or people that was taken away from me. if they chose to leave me in the first place, they ain't that worth it, are they? for now, i'm good with those who stayed and accept me.

if you happen to see this, i really miss you though. i miss the old times, i miss everything between us, i miss how i could trust you, i miss you as someone i could count on. but i miss you no longer means i want you back. it doesn't mean i need you anymore. i just thought it would be a lot happier if things are how they were before you left. but nothing stays the same, even friendship. you get over and you move on.

i never thought there should be moving on in a friendship. but you taught me otherwise.

and i shall keep the rest of my thoughts private.

anw, its 11:11! (made a wish) and i bet cass is making a wish now! had a htht with cass just now and i'm so glad i have her, really. i never have the balls to tell her personally but if you happen to arrive here, i hope you don't give up on our friendship because i wont.

there are so many things i wish i could say out loud or even scream it out loud. but no. i swore to myself from now on i'm gonna be as low profile as possible. like what novi said, be the audience to the show.

for now i just want to thank God for those who believed in me.

hi.

today's sucha maths day! i'm finding maths kinda fun.

i didn't go for any tutorial today. i'm prepared for a -.- attendance.

and i wanted to eat carrot for dinner but then it tasted too disgusting forget it, i threw it away. sorry carrots! :(

yucks

tuesday's to do list:

maths sample A (if not don't you dare to sleep)

maths differentiation and integration

maths

maths

and more maths

and sleep (yay)

its funny how you recall what i can't remember

Well, guess i'm back on blogger. exam's coming soon. and speaking of finals, it'd be a sheer lie if i say i'm not scared. who aren't. i'm terrified, let alone being scared. this exam actually determines my enrollment into university next year and i don't want to screw it up. i'm actually trying hard to study, as u can see, my facebook name is candies hardworking sutanto. which is retarded but who cares.

anw, i miss a lot of people i realise. its such a pity how i don't talk to some of my friends that i used to be really close with. blame it on us, we didn't try hard enough. but i'm sure true friends don't drift apart that easily, right? i'm going back soon to singapore and i'm kinda looking forward to it.

kinda, not very. because stepping on changi means the end is real. the end of foundation course, the end of tiring weeks, the end of friendships (i really hope not), and sadly. we have 33 more days together. and i shall keep the emotions private.

i guess time will tell.

till then, i know i'll miss you real bad